


The bingo mix

by darkmoore



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: cliche_bingo, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 03:24:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/961015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmoore/pseuds/darkmoore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The short stories I wrote for the Cliche Bingo on Livejournal. Each story is added as one chapter. Originally written in 2009, only now posted here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. On the other side of the equation

**Author's Note:**

> Cliche: Injury  
> Summary: John gets to feel what it's like to be on the other side. He has a revelation of sorts.

John paced around his room, cursing Rodney under his breath with every foul name he could come up with. What the hell had Rodney been thinking? No, for once he hadn't been thinking, that much was certain. Because clearly, if he had, Rodney wouldn't have shoved John out of the way of that weapon, whatever it had been, getting hit himself in the process. 

That brave, stupid, annoying, heroic, idiotic, selfless, suicidal idiot. 

It was John's responsibility to make sure his team was safe, not Rodney's. He didn't want to have to dial Atlantis, carrying a bleeding, unconscious, fucking dying Rodney through the wormhole, just because Rodney had decided that it was time to let all sense of self-preservation go and take a bullet for John. That just wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Rodney wasn't supposed to get hurt, especially not while protecting John from harm. 

John had long since changed out of his dirty clothes, stiff with Rodney's blood and the strange, orange dust PX-2543 was covered in. He had showered too, washing away the last traces of red from his hands, the water running down the drain pink and smelling nauseatingly metallic. 

Carson had banned John from the infirmary, had sent him to shower and change, to lie down and rest. He'd said that John had done what he could for Rodney, now the medical personnel would take over and that he'd be called when Rodney was out of the OR. That had been three long hours ago. And John was about to crawl out of his skin.

He'd never really thought about how Rodney must have felt, when once again John had had to do the right thing, the dangerous thing, hadn't thought about what his casual 'So long Rodney' must have done to his friend. The friend who was now his lover. A lover who had risked his own life to protect John's. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," John cursed, sinking down onto the edge of his bed, rubbing his face tiredly. He couldn't lose Rodney, he just couldn't. Not now, not ever. 

The radio clicked and a second later John heard Carson's voice. "Beckett to Colonel Sheppard. Colonel, do you hear me?" 

Heart beating wildly in his chest, John tapped the channel open and replied, "Yes, Carson, I hear you."

"Colonel, Rodney is out of the OR and you can see him now. He's going to be just fine." 

Until the moment John heard those words, he hadn't been aware just how terrified he had really been. Swallowing hard, John tried to force his voice to sound normal but failed miserabley. Voice hoarse with unshead tears, John replied, "Thank you, Carson."

oooooOooooo

Rodney was lying in his hospital bed, already extubated and apparently sleeping peacefully. His skin was even paler than usual, giving him an almost translucent appearance. An IV was dripping into a canula that was sticking in the back of his left hand, and some machines were beeping away at his bedside.

John hated to see him like that. 

"He's not in danger any more, John. His injuries weren't as bad as we had feared and he'll be good as new in no time, you will see," Carson suddenly said from behind John, placing a soothing hand on John's shoulder. 

Startled, John turned around halfway, to look at his friend. John had been sitting beside Rodney's bed, so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn't heard Carson come near. "Carson," John breathed. "He looks so pale. When is he going to wake up? When can I talk to him? I ... God, Carson he shoved me out of the way and he got hit himself. He ... he could have died because he tried to rescue me. To keep me safe. I ... I can't believe that he did something so brave and so damn stupid. I ... I don't know what I'd have done if he had died. Not for me. Not because he was taking a damn bullet for me." 

It was true, Rodney had been in danger plenty of times, had been the one to save all of their asses more than once. But this was different. This was close up and personal. This was ... something else. Usually it was all of their lives at stake and Rodney pulled a miracle out of his ass in the last possible moment, bitching and moaning all the while. He didn't, however, step into the line of a bullet for anyone. He'd use his big brain, his quick mind and his strong, capable hands. Yes, every once in a while he would do something equally brave and stupid, like going after a ten thousand year old Wraith with a handgun. But never before had he basically traded his own life for that of John.

No, that was usually John's part. 

There it was again. That thought. Was this how Rodney felt every time John got hurt while protecting them? 

No, it couldn't be, could it? John was a soldier. It was his job to do what needed to be done. It was his job to keep his team mates, keep the scientists safe. But Rodney, Rodney was no soldier. It wasn't his job to make that kind of sacrifice. It wasn't his job to put on a brave front and take one for the team. He hadn't signed up to get killed, not in the way John had, when he had joined the armed forces. John had known he might die in combat, and while he didn't really like the thought, he had accepted that fact as a given a long time ago. 

"He would not have let you die, John. He could not stand by and watch you get killed any more than you can stand by idly and see him get hurt. He loves you, John, don't you know that? Do you really think he could go on without you better than you could go on without him? If you think that, you are delusional, my friend," Carson chided gently. "Neither of you is expendable, John. Even though you like to pretend you are. Your life is not worth any less than Rodney's or any of the others. And you're hurting him if you act like it is," Carson went on. 

"Carson, I ..." John began but his friend interrupted him. 

"No, John. Let's not talk about this right now," Carson said, squeezing John's shoulder. "You can be a good lad and go to sleep in your own bed, or I can offer you to stay the night right here, in the bed beside Rodney's. Either way, you need some rest. And as for your question, Rodney will be asleep for at least another six hours. So pick, it's your choice where you sleep, just see that you do get some rest." 

Carson's tone of voice made it clear that there would be hell to pay if he found out John hadn't done as he had been told and so John sighed and replied, "I'll take this bed right here, thanks Carson. You sure he will be fine?"

John just couldn't get this picture of Rodney bleeding to death in his arms out of his head.

"He'll be right as rain and bothering my staff by the end of the week I expect," Carson replied dryly. "Infirmary's empty, we don't have any patients besides Rodney right now. So if we don't have a catastrophe within the next six hours it should be safe to say you will not have to give up your bed for anyone. Go and get some rest, or I'll put you under. Are we clear, Colonel?" Carson threatened and John had to grin at his affectionate tone of voice. It was good to know his friend cared. 

"Perfectly clear. Thanks, Carson," John replied. He got up from the chair, pulled off his shoes and lay down fully clothed on the bed beside Rodney. After watching Rodney for a while, John allowed the reassuringly steady beep of Rodney's heart-monitor to lull him to sleep.


	2. What I can't say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliche: Epistolatory fic  
> John writes a letter to Rodney.

Dear Rodney, 

I'm writing this ... Aww, crap, look at me. This is ridiculous. I'm feeling like an idiot already. This is never going to work. I'm just not wired that way, no matter what Heightmeyer says. I can't do this. Getting it off my chest, my ass. I'm not getting anything off my chest here besides how completely stupid I feel for even trying out her suggestion. 

Yes, it was her suggestion. To write a letter about how I feel. As if I could write about it any better than I can talk about it. Maybe she was just fed up with my stammering all the time. Thing is, you can't shake old habits that easily. I've been taught that men don't talk about their feelings, that it's a sign of weakness and this policy has served me pretty damn well until now. Why the hell should I try to change that now?

Okay yes, Heightmeyer says you deserve to know, deserve to hear it said, or maybe if I can't say it then I could write it down and one day I could show this letter to you. Sometimes I wonder what she knows about you that I don't, that she thinks a letter like this would be well received by you. 

You don't go for guys. You like women. You like your women blond and leggy and I'm neither of that. Which really only is half of the story though. Because seriously, if you were considering guys in that way, I wouldn't think you'd choose someone like me. 

Don't get me wrong, buddy, we're friends. We're good friends. You're most probably the best friend I have had since Mitch died. That's another reason why I'd never hit on you. 

God look at me, even writing that makes me want to look around myself, checking if someone sees what I am writing. Until half a year ago a letter like this would have made me lose everything. My job, my home, my career. But most importantly I would have lost your company and that isn't a risk I'm willing to take. Not now, not ever. I think the worst thing for me would be having you turn me down and maybe even losing your friendship over this whole ... thing. 

What that 'thing' is you ask? I know you would ask if you could, you're talking a mile a minute on any given day and by now you'd most probably be asking me some really uncomfortable questions. Like what I'm talking about anyway. What I'm trying to say without actually saying it. Without using the words. I'm not good with words. Never have been. Not when it comes to feelings. 

Hell even Teyla had to fill in the blanks for me and I love her like a sister. I just can't tell her that. Couldn't tell her about my feelings, no matter how innocent they might be. 

Where does that leave us? At being friends, I guess. Because everything else is either out of reach or just unthinkable. I can't imagine not being friends with you, Rodney, but I can't imagine being in a relationship with you, either. Not because I don't want to – oh god and how I'd want to – but because I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you. And I'd rather take on a Wraith any day than tell you ... tell you that I ...

Oh come on, look at me. Even on paper I'm stuttering. I can't say it. This is huge. And it's terrifying and I hate how it makes me vulernable. I'm the military leader of Atlantis for god's sake, I shouldn't be vulernable, should I?

Thing is, I really ... god this is hard. I really am in love with you, Rodney. 

There, I said it. In love. Not just interested, not just wanting to get into your pants (well, okay yes, that too) but really ... you know. Seriously, ass over teacups, in love. With you.

Okay. Maybe it does get easier after the first time saying writing it. Kinda feels good to be able to admit it, too. 

God, Rodney what am I doing here? This is insane. 

You can never get to see this letter. It's gonna destroy everything we have. But maybe Heightmeyer was right. Maybe I needed to at least get it off my chest. Write it down, if I can't say it out loud. 

I'm sorry Rodney. I'm sorry that I'm such a shitty friend sometimes. 

Hope you'll understand it one day. 

John


	3. Might have been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliche: Kidfic  
> Rodney has a talk with his daughter Note: The "character death" in this story is not permanent. More stories in this universe are following and everything will be alright

"Oh wow, look at all that messy hair," Rodney teased, running the brush gently through his daughter's tangled locks. He was sitting behind her on her bed, her unruly dark hair messed up by a day spent on the mainland with Torren and the Athosian children. Both of them knew if he didn't comb it now it would only be worse in the morning. 

"But Daddy, it's not my fault that I inherited Pa's untamable hair. I have like a million cowlicks," Joanna giggled and threw her hands up in mock exasperation, managing a fair imitation of himself.

"Oh, right. That is such a bad excuse. Also, you are exaggerating again," Rodney shot back good-naturedly and put away the brush to tickle Joanna's sensitive sides. His daughter keeled over on the bed in a fit of laughter. 

When she had caught her breath again Joanna looked at Rodney, the blue eyes, that always reminded Rodney of Jeannie's eyes way more than his own, serious. Something in Rodney's chest tightened as he realized that she was going to ask the question again that she sometimes asked, when they had talked about John. The pain Rodney had felt for a long time when he told his daughter about John, about the other father she'd never had a chance to meet, had given way to a dull sadness and the resigned acceptance that they wouldn't get John back. But at least, for Joanna, he would keep John's memory alive, no matter the emotional costs for himself. So when she asked, "He would have loved me, wouldn't he, Daddy?" Rodney was prepared. 

He smiled at her and hugged her, offering comfort. "Yes, Joanna, he would have loved you very much if he had known you. I'm very sorry he can't be here with us," Rodney said, meaning every word. He gave the same speech every time Joanna asked but it was still as true now as the fist time he had said it. "But-" he began but Joanna chimed in.

"But you are here and you love me very much and you are proud of me," she grinned, hugging Rodney tight for a second before leaning back to look at him again. "Even though I'm an accident and shouldn't even exist," she finished, clearly amused about that fact. It was something like an inside joke, something just the two of them shared. A little good natured teasing over a topic that was all too serious. 

"You are not an accident," Rodney replied. "You are the unexpected result of the activation of an Ancient device that was neither-"

"Properly labeled, nor secured," Joanna butted in again. "That means I'm an accident," She said, sounding way too smug for a five-year-old, even if it was a very gifted, somewhat precocious five-year-old.

"Oh fine, be that way," Rodney replied in mock offense, "see if I care." She laughed and Rodney attacked her sides again, tickling her mercilessly.

In a way, Joanna was right though. She was something like an accident. Not in a strict sense of course, the Ancient device John had unknowingly activated did exactly what it was supposed to do: create a child. Still, the fact remained that neither John nor Rodney had planned for any of this to happen. To the day, none of the scientists assigned to study the Ancient incubator had any idea how John had done it. The process wasn't reproducible. Whether or not it had something to do with John's strong gene – they would never know. The machine had just stopped working after Joanna had been taken out of it. Maybe they had broken it after all. Not that it mattered. Rodney was glad that Joanna had stayed the only child that had come into existence that way. Not that he wasn't grateful for having her, but the whole situation wasn't easy on Joanna. 

And Rodney still felt guilty when he thought about his initial reaction to learning about her. He hadn't wanted her, hadn't even wanted to think about her, the pain over John's loss still unbearable. For the most time, Rodney had refused to even acknowledge the baby that was growing in the Ancient incubator in one of the labs, the thought of raising a child that might look like John had seemed out of the question. 

But then Joanna had been born. And Rodney had realized that she was a part of John, a part no-one would be able to take away from him. She was his daughter, his and John's and Rodney would be the one to raise her. At that point he had embraced parenthood with all the love he usually held for his work. 

Joanna had made it worth his while ever since. 

Rodney smiled down at his still giggling daughter and then ushered her under the covers, tucking her in. He kissed her cheek and bid her goodnight, thinking once again how lucky he was that John had somehow activated the incubator the very same day he had died. 

The day Atlantis lost her favorite son, but gained a daughter.


	4. It's a kind of magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliche: Freestyle crossover  
>  John's nightmares have changed. He wants to find out why that is. (HP crossover/fusion fic)

The headaches were getting worse. A lot worse. And the nightmares as well. They had changed, too. Instead of dreaming of Wraith, Replicators or Rodney dying, John now dreamed of green light. Green light and smoke and whispered words in the night. It didn't make any sense to John and he was afraid to talk to Heightmeyer about it. John couldn't quite explain it but there was this feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him something strange was going on. Now he just had to figure out what that 'something' was. John only knew that the reluctance he felt was connected to his nightmares. 

But they were just nightmares, weren't they? He'd had plenty of those over the years. It was just that these dreams were somehow ... different. It was like these images were trying to suffocate him.

Maybe that 'witch' on PX-921M had really done something to him. Maybe she had used some sort of drug on him. A hallucinogen maybe?

John couldn't remember much of that night, or the ritual itself, only that there had been chanting involved. After that, his memories went a little fuzzy. None of his teammates had been present at the ritual that the Nurundai insisted every leader of a group that wanted to trade had to go through. They had promised that the procedure was harmless and totally safe and according to them John had done nothing more than have a nap in the nice, cozy tent they had provided him with. 

But John had a feeling that was not all that had happened. The only time he had voiced his concerns though had been at his medical checkup with Carson. But after the blood-work came back clean and nothing at all out of the ordinary could be found, John let it go. Maybe he really only had had a very vivid nightmare. And that surely wasn't something the Nurundai could be blamed for, was it? 

Rubbing his face tiredly and trying to shake the feeling of wrong that crawled up his belly every time he slipped into his uniform lately, John forced himself to not think about the dreams any more. He had a long day ahead of him and stupid, childish feelings - like that somehow his weapon didn't seem to be any more right than his clothes - had no place here. 

John finished dressing, the headache that was growing behind his temple not making his mood any better. What the fuck was wrong with him? If this didn't stop soon, John would have to talk to Carson again. And that would mean an appointment with Heightmeyer, too. Which was something John tried to avoid at all costs. 

A face flickered through John's mind, unbidden. A man with dark hair and almost black eyes sneering at him. You need to learn to protect your mind, the man hissed in John's memory and at the same time John's skull seemed to be ready to burst open. 

Nausea was welling up in John. And he decided that, childish or not, Heightmeyer or not, he needed to see Carson. Now.

oooooOooooo

John thought that maybe he was going insane. Or paranoid. Carson was acting strange. Really strange. Sure, he had done all the things John had expected him to do. Blood tests, scans, all kinds of poking and prodding. And then he had given John some sort of fluid, telling him that it was a painkiller and would help John to get some rest. But John wasn't fooled. The painkillers Carson usually handed out weren't liquid and something about the color of the fluid told John Carson wasn't being truthful. It was like a memory that wanted to come to the surface, something nagging at the back of his mind he couldn't quite grasp.

Calling himself all kinds of stupid and reminding himself that Carson would never betray or willingly hurt any of his patients, John settled deeper into his infirmary bed and drank the liquid in one swift go. 

It tasted awful. And John still thought he knew that stuff somehow. The image of that man appeared in John's mind again, this time he was calling him a useless twit. It was quite annoying, to be honest. Blinking sleepily, John somehow wasn't surprised that he felt his eyes drooping almost instantly, slipping into sleep.

oooooOooooo

John woke slowly to Carson's whispering voice, "...don't know what he's remembering yet. They said he might never remember, and now he does. I already contacted the SGC and they said that Mrs. Granger-Weasley has agreed to come and assist us. She'll be here within the next few days. They said, and I quote 'she can't very well apparate into another galaxy and needs to get some business in order first.' I'd say the earlier she's here, the better. I dunno how long I can keep John in the dark about what's happening to him."

John's heart beat wildly as he let the words he had heard sink in. There was something going on that Carson wasn't telling him. And as it seemed, Sam knew about it. Who else did know? Rodney? The whole damn expedition? What was wrong with him? They'd said 'remembering'. Was that what was happening? Was he remembering things he shouldn't remember? But how? Why? 

The hushed conversation had stopped and John knew he needed to give a sign that he was awake pretty soon or risk for Carson and Sam to find out he had eavesdropped on them. So he stretched lazily, deliberately and then slowly opened his eyes. Carson and Sam had turned towards him and came the last few steps over to his bed as John pretended to wake up completely. 

"Mornin'," John mumbled with a relaxed ring to his voice, even if his insides were all tied up in knots.

"Good morning, John. How are you feeling?" Carson asked, as he reached into the pocket of his coat and took out a penlight. John inwardly groaned. He hated that thing. 

"I'm fine, thanks Carson. Whatever you gave me worked like a charm. I had a pretty dreamless sleep. I'm feeling great. No headache at all," John reported dutifully and at least that was the truth. He had really slept exceptionally well and nightmare-free. It was just the whole Carson and Sam lying to him thing that put a damper on his good mood this morning. 

"That's good to hear. We were a bit worried about you, John," Sam chimed in cheerfully, just as Carson attacked John's eyes with the penlight.

Forcing himself not to flinch away from the uncomfortable light, John mumbled, "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I have no idea what's wrong with me, lately. Maybe I just needed a good night's rest." John knew it was a lame excuse, but he also knew right now it was them who were hiding something from him. And he couldn't let it on that he had eavesdropped on them. 

"Yes, that might be it," Carson agreed and finally put his penlight away. "As far as I can tell you are perfectly fine. But I'd like to keep you close to the infirmary for a few days anyway. Just in case the headaches come back. No offworld missions for you for now, Colonel."

John almost huffed in anger. Perfectly fine, yeah, right. Like they didn't know that something was wrong with his head. With his memories. Not knowing what to do or say to this, John just kept silent. It was no use fighting against it, anyway.

oooooOooooo

Finally having escaped Carson's clutches, John decided to pay Rodney a visit. He was working in one of the newly cleared labs, trying to get the equipment to work properly. When John had called him he had been cursing his staff, the Ancients, and pretty much every thing he could come up with at the moment. John figured Rodney was having a blast.

For a moment, John debated with himself if he should talk to Rodney about his dreams, and the things he had overheard in the infirmary. By now, John was pretty sure that Rodney wasn't in on whatever Carson and Sam knew. Rodney couldn't lie convincingly at the best of times and he had never been able to keep anything from John, especially not since he and John had become lovers. No, John was certain Rodney didn't know what was going on with John any more than John knew himself.

The new labs they had discovered, - 'not just labs, John, something was built here. Something huge. This was some sort of hangar' Rodney had said - were at the far end of the city and it took John a while to get there. John used the time to think about the things he had learned, about the nightmares and he desperately tried to put a face to the name 'Granger-Weasley'. Somehow John had a feeling he should know this woman, whoever she was. Just like he should know what 'apparate' meant. It was as if the knowledge was there, somewhere in his brain and the information was just out of reach, slipping through his fingers like water every time he tried to grasp it. 

Absentmindedly, John rubbed his forehead as he palmed the door to the hangar open. He felt like he was getting a headache again. The room looked even bigger now that it was properly lighted and John pushed away the thoughts of dreams and memories and looked around with wide eyes. The Daedalus would fit in here easily, maybe even an Orion class Ancient warship and ... his eyes fell on Rodney. Rodney who was crouching on a narrow ledge several feet above the ground, half-way inside of a control panel of some sort, checking crystals while typing one-handed on his laptop. John froze in horror, taking in the lack of a security line. And Rodney was all alone. There was no-one else there. John's blood ran cold as scenarios of what could have happened ran through his mind at lightning speed.

"Rodney," he yelled and immediately regretted it as Rodney jerked half around. John could pinpoint the exact second Rodney lost his footing and, with an expression of surprised fear on his face, fell.

And just like that, everything changed. 

Later, John wouldn't be able to tell how it happened. Just that it was like a reflex. Gut instinct. It wasn't something John consciously chose to do, for that kind of decision there was no time. The second John saw Rodney fall, horror on his face, he jerked up his arms in front of his body – palms out – and hissed, "refico". Rodney's fall was instantly stopped by an invisible force, keeping him from hurting himself. Instead Rodney seemed to softly bounce on a pillow of air before slowly sinking to the ground, unharmed. 

Rodney's surprised, "What the hell ...?" was drowned out by a rush of white noise in John's head. The headache was back in full force now, a searing pain shooting through John's skull. He stumbled and fell to his knees as memories came back to him, so many of them, mixing with what he had perceived to be his life until just a moment ago. 

It was agony. 

In an instant, John remembered all of it. The battle, the deaths, the loss of the man he loved. The way he had buried in his work, trying to forget.

And forgotten he had.

"John what the hell did just happen? What did you do?" Rodney's high pitched, panicked voice cut through the agony that was still raging in John's head, his chest, his whole body. It wasn't just physical. It was more than that, so much more. 

John had his memories back. He had his magic back. And with that came a kind of knowledge he never wanted to have. 

"Magic," John said, turning his head towards Rodney slowly, but his sight stayed unfocussed and he felt strangely detached from his surroundings. "I used magic to save your life."

Hollow. That was how John felt. Hollow. Wrong. Empty.

It had all been a lie. A ruse. Nothing of it real. 

"Magic? Don't be ridiculous. There is no such thing as magic. Maybe it was a failsafe, or you activated something we didn't know existed. You've always been Atlantis' favorite anyway," Rodney stammered nervously. 

John just blinked. "It was magic Rodney. Even though I admit, usually you'd need a wand to make it work," John replied, now feeling like someone had stuffed cotton into his head. It was a peculiar feeling. Maybe he was in shock? 

Detached, really detached. And that was probably a good thing. Because once everything sank in, John was sure he'd hurt really, really badly.

"A wand?" Rodney sounded incredulous now and John decided to humor him. 

"When you're a child, you learn to channel your magic through a wand. It gives your magic a focus, makes it easier to control and direct. I learned to do it without a wand a long time ago, even before the final battle. But then again, I've always been a bit stronger than the others, when it came to magic. Just one more thing to set me apart from the others," John mumbled, the fog that had been wrapped around his brain for what felt like eternity now clearing.

As if on cue, the pain came. Talking about his past had opened a whole floodgate of emotions and John really didn't feel fit to deal with them right now. Reality came crashing down on him and John just wanted to curl up and cry. His life, the life he had led for the past six years, was a lie. It was all a well constructed, completely thought out and masterfully executed lie. Memories, implanted to make it possible for him to go undercover. A complete background, a complete false life. Something must have gone wrong with the spell. Something in John's mindset maybe. He would never be sure, what exactly it was. But one thing John knew: The spell had never been meant to make him forget his real life. It had been designed to mask his real memories, hide them behind the false ones, if anyone should try to use legilimency on him. But obviously something had gone terribly, terribly wrong. Something that made him think he really was John Sheppard, and he really did have a black mark and a brother and all the other things that had been real to him until just about half an hour ago. 

"Why the hell do you keep rattling on about magic? Are you insane? What the hell is wrong with you? I'm the one who almost died. John? Are you listening to me, John?" Rodney's voice was somewhere between anger and panic and John had to suppress a laugh. He feared it would come out like a sob, anyway. 

Swallowing hard, John finally whispered, "I'm not John. I've never really been John. My name's Harry."


	5. David

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliche: Domestic bliss  
>  John, Rodney and a sleeping toddler. True domestic bliss.

It was late when Rodney returned from an emergency in the labs. Some of the idiots that called themselves scientists had almost blown up half the city – again. Sometimes Rodney wondered how they had survived the incompetence of his staff for so long. Rubbing his aching neck tiredly, Rodney paused in the doorway to the living room, taking in the sight in front of him. 

John was asleep on the couch, hair tousled and bare feet propped up on one of the armrests. On his chest lay their two year old son David, also fast asleep, with his little face snuggled up into the crook of John's neck. It was such a peaceful picture that Rodney had to smile. Ever since he and John had adopted David about half a year ago, their son just loved to go to sleep on top of either of his fathers. They would really need to find a way to make him go to sleep in his own bed more regularly sometime very soon. 

Rodney walked over to the couch, smiling down at his son fondly. David was wearing pyjamas with little planes on it and his blond hair looked about as messy as John's, if not worse. It was as if David had the trademark Sheppard hair even though he wasn't related to either John. After another moment of just looking at his family, lying all snuggled up on the couch, Rodney carefully lifted his sleeping son off John's chest. John tensed, eyes snapping open in alarm but Rodney just touched him briefly, whispering, "shhh, it's alright. I'll put him to bed."

Instantly, John relaxed and his eyes closed again, apparently dozing off again. On Rodney's arm David moved and made a little snuffling sound but didn't really wake, so Rodney carried him to his room and put him to bed. Thankfully David didn't wake then, either, he just curled up on his left side and slept on. 

For a few moments Rodney just stood there, watching David sleep peacefully. It was a miracle that the little boy was even with them and Rodney was thankful for having been gifted with such a wonderful family. David and John made Rodney's life complete in a way Rodney could have never imagined before. 

When Rodney finally left David's room he found John blinking sleepily in the dim light and streching lazily. 

"You're back," John mumbled, stating the obvious and Rodney gave him a fond smile. Sleepy John never ceased to make Rodney feel all warm and tingly inside.

"What time is it? Did he go back to sleep or did he wake up?"

"It's just after midnight. And no, he didn't wake up. I put him down and he just slept on. But we really need to get him to stay in his own bed, you know," Rondey answered. 

John sat up slowly, running his hands over his face and yawning. "Yeah, I know. Just not that easy. He kept waking up and coming out here, clinging to me. I didn't have the heart to let him keep crying," John admitted. 

Rodney knew what that felt like. The heartbreaking wails of their son were getting to him like very few things did. "We'll deal with it another day. Let's go get some sleep before another of those idiots tries to blow us up and I'm too damn tired to keep them from succeeding." 

"Sounds like a plan," John replied. Rodney smiled at him tiredly and leaned over to kiss John softly. It was good to be home and Rodney relaxed gradually, the stress of the day draining out of him. 

A few minutes later, snuggled up to his husband, their son sleeping in the next room, Rodney fell asleep. In this moment, all was right with his universe.


	6. Uninformed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliche: 'Don't ask, don't tell'  
> Rodney wonders why he wasn't informed that he is apparently having a relationship with John Sheppard.

Rodney thought that finally the whole expedition must have gone batshit insane. Crazy. Just ... snapped or something. There was no other way the strange behavior of all those people could be explained. Really none at all. 

It had started out as slight annoyance, people smiling at him cheerfully in the mess hall. Smiling. At him. Before he'd had his first cup of coffee. They'd actually smiled at him. It boggled the mind. And then the smiles had turned into knowing grins. 

Dr. Jenson's cheerful "It's a wonderful day, Dr. McKay, isn't it?" had Rodney stare at her him bewilderment, unable to process what the hell was happening here. It was like all of them were on drugs. Some sort of happy-pill that made them grin and whistle and want to talk to him. Voluntarily. 

Still not having recovered from the strange behavior of the people in the mess hall, Rodney entered one of the labs, grateful that only Zelenka was present at the moment. Surely his friend would help Rodney to find out what was going on. Because something was going on, of that Rodney was sure. 

"Mornin'" Rodney said, putting down his mug on the workplace and booting three laptops in rapid succession. Radek looked at him strangely before breaking out in a grin.

"Good morning Rondey. Is a good morning, isn't it? You must be so happy. Have you seen the Colonel yet?" Zelenka beamed at him, a strange gleam in his eyes.

"Oh for the love of ... Not you too. What the hell is wrong with you people today? Did I miss something? Holidays? Discovery of a new ZPM? What? What is so important that all of you are running around, grinning like loons and making stupid conversation? Not that stupid conversation is something unusual with the idiots that call themselves scientists, but I expected better from you, Radek. And what the hell does the Colonel have to do with all that?" 

Radek's eyes went big before he frowned. "Rodney, you did read messages that came in databurst yesterday, right?"

Rodney looked at Radek's fuzzy head, dumbfounded. Had everyone around here lost their mind? "Of course I read the messages that came in the databurst. What kind of question is that supposed to be? Have you all gone crazy now? Maybe you should go see Carson. There could be something in the air. The ventilation system could be malfunctioning or something. You know, something that makes you all a little ..." Rodney made a small circle with is finger beside his right temple in the universal sign for 'crazy'.

Apparently feeling offended, Radek folded his arms in front of his chest, looking murderous. "I am not idiot. And security protocol was not broken. There is nothing in the air. Are you sure you read everything? Even the military related information? You don't think there were good news?"

Confused, Rodney blinked at him. What the hell was Radek talking about? Rodney usually only read the scientific messages – there were enough of those already. He didn't really care about John's ammunition delivery or discussions about whether or not John would get more personnel. If there was important information John would pass it on to him, anyway. Or someone would mention it in one of the staff meetings.

"Oh right, fine, I bite. What was so important in yesterday's data burst that it has the whole base act like they are on the really good drugs, huh? I'd really like to know, because I can't think of a good enough reason for all of you to be as cheerful as you are. God dammit, you are driving me nuts!" Rodney yelled. 

"American military has changed regulations," Radek reported, the gleam back in his eyes. "The one that you call 'don't ask don't tell', I believe?" he said, looking at Rodney with such excitement as if he had told him they'd found a way to recharge ZPMs. It was ridiculous, really. What did Radek expect Rodney would do? Cry in joy that the backwards government of America had been finally enlightened? Surely not.

"And that does concern me how exactly?" Rodney asked, bewildered. "Canada's legalized same-sex marriage years ago. Do I look like a homophobe to you? I'd really like to think you know me better than that. So why should I suddenly be interested in the fact that these stupid regulations are finally gone? Yes, yes, joy for the grunts, I get it. And I hate to repeat myself, but what does that have to do with me? I'm neither American, nor military and I don't get why everyone seems to think I should be especially happy today," Rodney groused, completely irritated by the incredulous look on Radek's face. 

"You deny it? Fine. I thought I am your friend. I thought that you would at least tell me, now that there is no danger any more for Colonel Sheppard and you. I thought you would admit now and let us be happy for you, but fine, if you want to keep denying it, you go ahead. I just think it is no fair to the Colonel to ask that of him. You could stop hiding now, you know. You deserve chance at being happy," Radek snapped and without another word turned around and strode away, obviously angry. 

Rodney stared after him, for a moment trying to process what he had just heard. No danger any more? Admit? Admit what exactly? Stop hiding? He couldn't mean ...

When the penny dropped, Rodney felt himself blanch. Oh crap. 

John. He needed to find John, before someone said something unforgivable to him. Rodney needed to talk to him in person, find out what John thought about all of that.

oooooOooooo

"Did you know?" Rodney asked the moment he reached John, who was for once, sitting behind his desk in his office.

"Did I know what, Rodney?" John asked back, a hint of fond exasperation in his voice. 

"Did you know that apparently the whole base thinks we're doing it and just ..." Rodney gestured wildly, for a moment lost for words. "Just ... were hiding because of your career and the stupid, homophobic rules of the American military?" Rodney blurted, unable to stop the words coming out of his mouth. It was just such a ridiculous idea. John was straight, wasn't he?

As if on cue, John's eyebrows shot up and a second later a grin appeared on his face that was just this side of dirty. "Does that mean you didn't know?" he asked, clearly amused about how flustered Rodney was. 

"Of course I didn't know. Why would they think such a thing? I can't imagine what we've possibly done that would make them assume we're in a ... you know ..." Rodney waved his hands again feeling himself blush, "sexual relationship." 

"Rodney, we've practically been flirting with each other since day one. We're teasing each other, we spend time together. The question shouldn't be why everyone thinks we're a couple, the question should be, why wouldn't they?" There it was again, that amused grin and Rodney felt as if he had entered the twilight zone.

Why the hell wasn't John freaked out? Why wasn't he bothered that the whole base seemed to think that he was in a sexual relationship with his male team member/best friend? John seemed to be more amused than upset and that was something Rodney really couldn't understand. Being thought of as gay surely was bad for his ladies-man image. Something just didn't add up here. 

"Flirting?" Rodney finally asked, still trying to wrap his head around a John Sheppard who was okay with rumors of him being in a gay relationship. Shouldn't straight men feel intimidated, maybe even insulted by that? "You think we've been flirting? But ... but ..." Rodney had no words for what was going on here. 

"Rodney, close the door, please," John said, evenly. 

"What? What are you ... What the hell is going on here?" Rodney demanded to know, but turned around to touch the closing mechanism of the door anyway. 

Slowly, John got up from behind his desk and made his way over to where Rodney was standing. Rodney watched him intently, caught somewhere between bewilderment and the sinking feeling that maybe there was something wrong with everyone on Atlantis after all. Maybe Rodney really was the only one unaffected by whatever was going on. 

First the people in the mess hall, then Zelenka and now John was acting strange as well. As if he wasn't himself. 

John had reached Rodney and now stood in front of him, watching Rodney with an unreadable look on his face. After a moment, John took another step forward, bringing himself way into Rodney's personal space. 

Rodney tensed. If really something was going on with the people on Atlantis, then Rodney had just maneuvered himself into a very bad position. Cautiously, Rodney took a step backwards, away from John, who in reaction just smiled sadly. 

"It's alright, Rodney. I'm not crazy, and neither are you. It's just that I've been waiting for this day for a long time. I might act a bit strange," John said easily, taking another step towards Rodney, moving closer to Rodney again in the process. 

"I don't understand," Rodney whispered. And he didn't. "What are you doing? Why are you not mad about the rumors? You're acting weird and I really think I should go now," Rodney said hastily, trying to turn around and run for the door. Everything to get out of there. 

"Sure, if you want to. But I'd rather you stay and help me make the rumors become facts," John grinned easily and Rodney thought that he really must have lost his mind. 

"Okay, that's quite enough Colonel. Whatever is going on here, it's affected you and pretty much everyone I've met so far today. I need to find out what's going on. I need to ... oh god, this is such a mess ..." Panic was building in Rodney's chest rapidly and he looked at John suspiciously. Would John try to keep him from leaving?

"Rodney, Rodney, relax. There is nothing wrong here. People are just being happy about the changes in the uniform code. That and the fact that apparently everyone besides you knows that I've got the hots for you," John grinned and for a moment he looked almost shy. 

Rodney blinked at him. That couldn't be true. John had to be pulling his leg. And it hurt. It really hurt to hear John talk like that. Like he meant it. But maybe it wasn't John's fault. Maybe there really was some mind altering drug or some sort of ... pollen in the air that made people behave like lunatics. 

"If this is a joke, Colonel, it's a cruel one," Rodney hissed. "I'm going to leave now, if you don't mind. I think I had quite enough humiliation for one day. Oh and congratulations to America not being the most backwater country any more." He made to leave. 

"Rodney," a warm hand landed on Rodney's shoulder and Rodney tensed. He turned back slowly towards John, afraid of what he might see in his friend's face. 

"It's not a joke. Listen, I'm not any good at all this ... feelings stuff and I'm not exactly good with talking either, but ... I meant what I said. If ... if you're not interested and you really wanna leave, then ... go – no harm, no foul, okay?" John took a step back, hands raised in front of his chest, palms out, in a clearly placating manner. 

"Would you listen to yourself?" Rodney exploded. "You can't mean that. You're straight. And ... and I'm your team-member. Your male team-member. You like women. Women like Chaya and Teer and Mara. You don't just wake up one day and decide you're interested in men after having been straight all your life. That's just not how it works. And once I've found out what is wrong with Atlantis and all of you, you'll be grateful if we never speak of this again," Rodney told John with conviction. 

John sighed, taking another step back, a rueful look on his face now. "You're wrong, Rodney. I know it's hard to believe but you're really wrong. I didn't wake up gay. I've not considered myself straight since I blew Marc Welling in the boy's locker room back in tenth grade. I'm just very good at hiding, Rodney. It helps that I like women, too. Just not as much as I like you. But if it's that what it takes, go and do whatever you have to do to make sure that I'm really not under some influence. If you want to talk about what happened here today, you know where to find me." With that John turned around and went back to sit behind his desk.

"Ha, now I know you're not yourself," Rodney said triumphantly. "The John Sheppard I know would never have talked so much in one go. He'd never had said the things you just told me, either. I'll be back when I have a solution. Don't worry, I'm sure I can fix this somehow," Rodney assured John. He owed it to John, owed it to their friendship to find out what was going on and then reverse it. 

Rodney wanted John back. His John and not this man who claimed to have feelings for him. It was positively scary. But Rodney would find a way to fix it. He always did.

oooooOooooo

Three days with very little sleep and a lot of coffee later, Rodney still hadn't found a solution. The only thing that had changed was the fact that now he got pitying looks rather than happy ones. It seemed that every system on Atlantis worked as it should and even the people living inside her were supposedly perfectly fine. It didn't make any sense. If there was nothing wrong, then John must have told the truth and that was just impossible, wasn't it?

Well, only one way to find out. 

Determined, Rodney made his way to John's private quarters. It was late and Rodney knew for certain that John had been off duty for hours now. When Rodney touched the doorsignal to John's quarters, the door opened for him almost instantly. 

John was lying on the bed, barefoot, wearing just a pair of jeans and a washed out t-shirt. When Rodney walked into the room, he put away the book he had been reading and sat up, watching Rodney curiously. "Hey buddy, what's up?" he asked, tone light. As if nothing had happened. As if he had never told Rodney that he was interested in him. As if there wasn't this weird ... tension ... between them ever since they had had that fateful conversation. 

"I ... I came to talk to you. You know. About the ... the things you said," Rodney said and began to pace, trying to walk off his nervous energy. "I spoke to Radek again and I even tried to talk to Teyla and both of them said that ... that they think you wouldn't ... joke about something like that. Those were the most embarrassing conversations I had in my whole life. Well maybe not my whole life because school time was pretty bad for me, especially-" 

"Rodney." John's slightly exasperated sigh interrupted Rodney's rant and he stopped pacing and faced John. There was a smile on John's face that made Rodney's heart miss a beat and suddenly Rodney thought that everything might turn out alright after all. Maybe John really was interested in him. Before Rodney could pick up his rant again though, John spoke. 

"Calm down. Come on, sit down and tell me what's the matter," John said gently and patted the place beside himself on the bed. 

Rodney swallowed hard. He'd sat beside John on his bed countless times in the past but considering what he had come to do tonight, Rodney suddenly felt nervous. "Um, okay, I guess," he stammered and sat down beside John gingerly.

John turned towards him, the expression on his face almost tender as he said, "I don't bite, Rodney. There's nothing to be afraid of. I just wanna talk to you." 

"Talk. You want to talk. You never want to talk. You're bad at talking. And I'm starting to think that this was a really bad idea. Maybe I should go. I shouldn't have come. I'm sure I misunderstood something. Yes, I'll just go and we'll forget..." Rodney tried to get up and leave when John's hand grabbed his wrist and John tugged him back to the bed again, sending Rodney stumbling backwards.

The undignified squeak that escaped Rodney was completely embarrassing but John didn't seem to mind. He just laughed and leaned over Rodney, looking down at him with mischief and something Rodney identified as happiness on his face. 

John was happy. John was okay with what Rodney had been so clumsily trying to say. Anticipation tingled through Rodney as he stared up into the smiling face of his best friend – the man he had fallen for such a long time ago and though he could never have. 

"I think you should stay," John finally said and slowly leaned down, giving Rodney all the time in the world to protest and pull away if he wanted to. Not that Rodney even thought about stopping John. He wanted this, had wanted it for a long time now, even though he hadn't admitted it to anyone. For a long time he hadn't even admitted it to himself.

The kiss was soft and easy, almost playful and Rodney was surprised about the sense of rightness that filled him. This was what he had dreamed of. Somehow to Rodney it made sense that John and he fit. There was so much they'd been through together that taking this step seemed like the right conclusion. What an irony that it had taken everyone else thinking they were already doing it, for Rodney to see it himself. 

John made a little pleased sound in the back of his throat and all thought fled Rodney as he relaxed and let John take the lead.


	7. You're not serious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliche: Virginity  
> Has John really lost his virginity in junior high school?

"What do you mean, 'nope'? How can you... how can you be so cool about it, so ... so ... I don't get you. Are you really telling me you've never done this before? I thought you said you were bi. I thought you said you had experience. And now that we're here, now that I thought that we are actually, you know, going to do it, you tell me you've never done it before? Are you serious?"

Rodney stared at John, at his lover, who was lying on Rodney's nice big bed, hands crossed behind his head lazily and grinning up at Rodney as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn't just given Rodney the shock of his life. 

"Relax, Rodney," John drawled and Rodney just stared at him. Had he completely lost his mind? 

"Relax? You ask me to relax?" Rodney hissed and proceeded to pace back and forth at the foot of the bed. John had the audacity to grin at Rodney even more, one had sneaking down to grip his hard cock as he began to jack himself off slowly. 

"Yeah, I think I just did. Come on, Rodney, it's not big deal. And it's not as if I'm completely inexperienced. I've done blowjobs and hand jobs and I've been told I'm quite good at both. Actually, you were one of the people who told me. What's the problem now?" John drawled and the motion of his hand didn't cease. It was maddening. It made thinking so much harder. Until John began to speak again, that was. 

"Really Rodney, I want you to fuck me. I'm sure I'll like it. You've done this before you know what to do. I know you'll make it good for me." John wiggled his eyebrows in a completely silly manner and Rodney lost it, bursting out laughing. 

"Okay, stop, stop. I can't do this. Really, you're doing it all wrong," Rodney gasped, holding his middle, almost toppling over with laughter. John sat up, rolling his eyes at him. 

"Stop laughing, Rodney," John pouted. "You're going to ruin it. You're going to ruin a perfectly fine role-playing fantasy." 

It had been John's idea to buy that stupid sex game and Rodney had feared that something like this would happen when they first tried out role-playing. Rodney thought it was unnecessary but after having lost a bet, he had agreed to try it out with John. Now he regretted his decision, because seriously, he couldn't do this. 

"I'm sorry," Rodney said, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes and straightening. "I'm really sorry John I know you wanted to do this role-playing stuff but maybe we should try another card then, another fantasy. Because there is no way that I can take you, Mr. Flyboy, seriously in this setting. I just can't imagine you all inexperienced and new to ... you know, gay sex. I bet you had your first time in junior high school."

Something in John's face changed but as fast as it had come, it was gone again. A second later he grinned at Rodney as if nothing had happened, patting the bed beside himself, saying, "Sit with me?" 

Regretting his degrading words, Rodney tried to apologize. John didn't deserve his harsh words. "Listen I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It was a shitty thing to do and I-" Rodney began but John interrupted him with a "Rodney, don't!" 

"Maybe we should have tried this fantasy the other way round. You know, I think I'm not any good at the whole virgin act. As for the junior high school comment ..." John broke off, the look in his eyes intense, his voice pitched low as he said, "Tell you a secret: My first time with a guy, my real first time, was with you, sixteen months ago."

At that, Rodney's jaw dropped.


	8. Discoveries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliche: Vulnerability  
> Rodney finds a letter he was never supposed to see.

"Would you have ever told me? Would you? I can't believe you didn't say a word," Rodney yelled, face bright red with anger, hands gesturing wildly as he stormed into John's quarters, instantly beginning to pace the length of the room. 

"Do come in, Rodney. Make yourself at home. Is there anything I can do for you? Maybe you would like to tell me what the problem is," John said with mild sarcasm as he watched his best friend rant and rave. It was no use to try and get Rodney to calm down when he was in this state and yelling at him wouldn't help either, so John tried with calm. He'd find out what the problem was, eventually. 

"The problem? You want to know what the problem is?" Rodney snapped as if on cue and he stalked towards John with long strides, reaching into the pocket of his black leather jacket. No, John's leather jacket, John realized. 

He had lent Rodney the jacket the night before, when Rodney had been cold again, just like so many other nights they had spent at the pier. And Rodney had forgotten to give it back. Usually that wasn't actually a problem, but this time... Oh god. It couldn't be, could it? Rodney surely hadn't found ...

Unfortunately, John seemed to be out of luck. As he watched, Rodney reached into the right pocket of John's leather jacket and pulled out a crumpled envelope. The envelope that held the letter John had written on Heightmeyer's demand. The letter in which John admitted his feelings, the one Rodney was never supposed to see.

Ever.

"Would you care to tell me what this is?" Rodney snapped, stepping close to John and shoving the envelope into John's chest. "Or better yet, would you like to tell me why you wrote a letter to me that I was obviously never supposed to read? You are such an idiot sometimes. I can't believe you can be so damn stupid!" 

John felt himself blanch even though he was getting angry now as well. 

"If you read it you know what it's all about. You weren't supposed to know. You weren't supposed to find this letter or to ever know that ... that ..." John couldn't say it. He just couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. No matter that Rodney had read the letter had seen the words put down on paper, words that were stuck in John's throat now and no matter how angry or desperate or hurt or scared he was, they wouldn't come out. 

"That you're in love with me," Rodney spat and he sounded so angry that John's heart sank. He'd lost Rodney. He'd messed up and lost that little bit of Rodney that had been his – the friendship they had shared. 

"I'm sorry," John whispered, turning away from Rodney and his anger, his ... disgust? John didn't know. Didn't want to know, didn't want to see. It hurt too much to have Rodney react like this, to have it rubbed into his face that Rodney would never consider John as a lover. Not that John hadn't known that. And yes, it was the cowardly thing to do to turn away from all that emotion in Rodney's expressive eyes, but John didn't care right then and there. Maybe he was a coward but he sure as hell wasn't a masochist and just the knowledge that he had lost Rodney hurt enough to make John want to punch something. Surely he was allowed a bit of self protection, some time to gather himself and what little dignity he had left. 

"John, look at me, dammit." 

Or not. 

Rodney wasn't going to make this embarrassing situation any easier on him, John realized. Right then and there, John hated him for that. Hated Rodney's bluntness, the way he always said what he thought not caring what it did to others. It was a trait John had always loved and admired, Rodney's honesty refreshingly different to what John was used to. Right now, though, it only hurt. 

"John!" Rodney's voice again, impatient and sharp as a knife, cutting through John's thoughts. John was slightly startled to hear Rodney use his given name, for the second time now. Not Colonel, not Sheppard but John. 

Somehow that seemed to make things worse. 

Taking a deep breath, John finally turned around again, facing Rodney. There was no use in stalling, just putting off the inevitable. He'd lost Rodney already anyway, had lost his friendship the moment Rodney had read that damn letter. It had been over the moment Rodney had seen the words John couldn't say and that better should have left been unwritten as well. He'd known that it would end badly, had known Heightmeyer was wrong when she said Rodney deserved to know. 

Now Rodney knew and it had cost John everything. It had cost John the man he loved. John had been prepared to live with whatever Rodney was willing to give him, had been prepared to make do with friendship and never let Rodney know that he longed for more. 

All that was gone now. Destroyed by a letter John had thought to be a Really Bad Idea to begin with. 

When John reluctantly met Rodney's gaze, there was anger still in his eyes, but his face also showed exasperation and a fair amount of impatience. But no disgust. If anything, Rodney's whole expression seemed to suddenly soften.

John swallowed hard. He was used to being able to read Rodney like an open book but the things he saw on Rodney's face right now didn't make much sense. His body language, the look in his eyes, there was something akin to compassion mixed in with the impatient anger, something John didn't understand at all. 

"You really don't get it, do you? You really have no idea at all what this letter means. God, sometimes I wonder how someone as smart as you can be so damn oblivious. I don't believe you," Rodney ranted, inching closer to John and for a split second John thought Rodney would deck him. 

"Why don't you enlighten me then, McKay?" John hissed, going into full defense mode. "Why don't you tell me how I just lost the best friend I've had in a long time, because I was stupid enough to listen to my shrink." Why did Rodney have to rub it in that he'd messed up? 

"Lost? What the hell? You're even more stupid than I thought you were. You can't seriously think that-" Rodney broke off. He sounded offended now, looking at John with an incredulous look on his face. 

John didn't really know what to say to Rodney's outburst, so he just stared at him, watching the emotions play over Rodney's expressive face. Rodney in turn seemed to study John for a second before he apparently lost patience and mumbled, "Oh, for the love of ..." The next moment John felt himself being shoved against the nearest wall roughly, Rodney's lips pressing firmly against his own as Rodney pinned John to the wall, using his whole body as leverage. 

Startled, John didn't react to Rodney's kiss right away, too confused by the sudden change in mood. When Rodney didn't let up, though, pressing him into the wall more firmly, hard cock rubbing against John's thigh, John's mind finally caught up with what was happening and he groaned low in his throat, kissing Rodney back enthusiastically. 

It didn't make much sense to him how Rodney had gotten from angry to kissing him senseless but John wasn't about to object. 

When they finally parted for air, Rodney reluctantly stepped back from John, who instantly felt bereft. "Rodney?" John asked carefully. He wasn't about to assume, not when it concerned something as important as a possible future for him and Rodney. He needed for Rodney to tell him what was going on, needed to know this wasn't some kind of misunderstanding. John needed to know Rodney wanted him as much as John wanted Rodney. "What was that all about?"

"Oh please," Rodney said in an exasperated tone. "I thought that was quite obvious, Colonel I-never-see-it-coming. I don't know how to be any clearer than that. I want you, want to be with you, am in love with you, am totally taken with you, crazy about you – do I need to go on? Does any of that make you understand? Because I really am running out of synonyms here. And you're incredibly dense today, I think. I've been in love with you forever. Why do you think Kate told you to write this letter? Why do you think she said I need to know? I'd told her of my sad, unrequited love for you, repeatedly, you moron!" Rodney ranted, but his voice was full of affection despite the insults he was hurling at John. 

"Um," John said, dumbfounded. He was totally thrown by the thought that his shrink had tried to play matchmaker for him. And it seemed she'd had success, even if only by chance. 

"Oh well, I see I'll have to do all the work myself again," Rodney said with a put upon sigh and moved in to press himself against John once more. 

John suppressed a groan and grabbed for Rodney's hips, pulling him even closer. Rodney stopped kissing John's throat and hummed his approval before he swiftly pulled John's shirt out of his pants, warm hands running over John's chest a second later. Suddenly John found it hard to think. Rodney was close and warm and sexy as hell and he was pressing himself against John in an unmistakable way. 

"Bed. Now!" Rodney suddenly demanded with a sharp nip to John's earlobe and the breath ghosting over his skin made John shiver. 

Oh yes, this was what he'd waited for, such a long time now. 

Suddenly, the whole letter-writing idea didn't seem so bad any more after all.


	9. Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliche: Taxes  
> It's time to do taxes, again.

"They want me to do taxes. Taxes, can you believe it? I'm not living on Earth any more. I'm not even living in the same galaxy any more and they still want me to do taxes. That's insane. Completely and utterly insane. Who comes up with this idiocy? I'm putting my life and my invaluable brain at risk on a daily basis and they actually want me to pay taxes. That's..." Rodney's voice was close to breaking with anger and he was red faced, hands gesturing wildly. 

John eyed his enraged lover amusedly, having expected this situation beforehand. It was the same every year since they had re-established contact to Earth. Each time the notification that their taxes were due came through, Rodney would throw a fit. John found it all rather funny to be honest. 

"Rodney, you knew that was going to happen, why do you keep complaining every year? It's not as if that changes anything," John said gently and Rodney shot him an angry glare. 

"It's still insanity. Them forcing me to do taxes every year even though I am not even a resident of the US any more is hilarious. It's a mistake and them doing it over and over and over again every year doesn't make it any more right. I'll write a complaint. I'm going to..."

"Rodney," John said, walking over to the still pacing man and gently putting a hand on his shoulder. "You don't have any opportunity to spend your money out here, anyway. Why don't you just leave the formalities to the ones who actually get paid to do the paperwork and spend your time with more ... pleasant things?" John asked suggestively and watched with satisfaction as Rodney reacted to his seductive tone. Rodney's breath caught and is face clearly showed that he was more than interested in the proceedings. 

"What things did you have in mind, Colonel?" Rodney asked, probably going for innocent but ending up sounding pretty breathless.

"Hmm," John began, pretending to think about it as he slowly walked Rodney backwards towards the nice, queen sized bed Rodney had acquired recently. "We could start out with me giving you a blowjob, followed by me fucking you senseless on that nice big bed you have there," John murmured as he nipped his way up from Rodney's jaw to bite his earlobe lightly. It was just amazing how sensitive Rodney was and John loved to tease him, coaxing him to make the hottest noises. Rodney was just as vocal in bed as he was the rest of the time. As if on cue, Rodney moaned. "Or, I could get you all hot and bothered and then let you fuck me, how does that sound? Still thinking of taxes?" John teased and Rodney growled. 

Rodney's legs finally touched the edge of the bed and the next moment Rodney tugged at John sending them both tumbling onto the mattress. 

"What taxes?" Rodney asked as he pushed his hands into John's hair and bit at his neck. 

John laughed, going with the flow. He had successfully distracted his lover from the unpleasant topic. 

Mission accomplished.


	10. It's in his blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliche: Magical creatures  
> John is acting weird and Rodney doesn't quite want to believe Carson's explanation for that.

The trip to PX-529-X had been uneventful to the point of being boring. Until Menarivi, the Unawai's 'wise and honored elder' had taken John's head in her wizened hands, had smiled a beatific smile at him, and had told him, "You'll be coming into your heritage soon, son." It was all very Stephen King and actually quite creepy. That incident kinda put a damper on their good mood and shortly after, the team beat a hasty retreat, all the while apologizing profoundly that they couldn't stay longer. 

Rodney heaved a sigh of relief when all of them were back on Atlantis safely. They weren't talking about what Menarivi had said, not really anyway. John put it off as some weird Alien ritual and when Carson couldn't find anything at all amiss with any of the team members, it seemed that John was right. It had been nothing but the confused chatter of an old, senile woman. 

It wasn't until three days later that they realized that something in fact was wrong with John. "Colonel", Rodney greeted, slightly annoyed that John was disturbing him during this really important simulation, a simulation that, as he had told John, needed his full attention. 

"Hey Rodney," John grinned, sauntering over to where Rodney sat and leaning down over Rodney's shoulder to see what he was doing. 

"Stop that," Rodney hissed. John was too close for comfort, and Rodney hated it when someone crowded him like hat, even if it was John.

John didn't move away, apparently completely unfazed by Rodney's behavior. Instead Rodney could feel John leaning down that bit more, bringing his face almost down to the point where neck met shoulder, and Rodney had to resist the urge to jerk away from him. What the fuck was John doing? When had he gone from simply leaning over Rodney's shoulder to pretty much burying his head in Rodney's neck?

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Rodney asked irritably as John had leaned down over him that much further and was actually sniffing him. When Rodney looked up, there was a hazy look on John's face, his pupils dilated unnaturally. 

"You smell nice," John answered, his voice holding a strange undercurrent. 

This wasn't good. Not good at all. John was showing irrational behavior and here, in Pegasus that usually meant even worse things than back on Earth. That was mainly because here, the reasons for the irrational behavior were so much more fucked up. "Are you sure you're feeling well, Colonel?" Rodney asked slowly. 

John didn't answer; he just proceeded to stare at Rodney's neck, sniffing him. In fact, he looked like he was ready to lick Rodney as well. And wasn't that a creepy thought?

Coming to a decision, Rodney jumped up, intending to bring as much space between John and himself as possible. He didn't like the look on John's face, the hunger, the longing, the outright sexual desire Rodney could read in his features. It was disturbing to see, making Rodney nervous. John had no business looking at him like that. John had no business looking at anyone like that, in Rodney's opinion. 

John was staring at him as if he were edible. 

"Listen Colonel," Rodney began, raising his hands in the most unthreatening manner possible while never taking his eyes off John, "why don't you back off a bit? I'm sure we can-"

"Mine," John growled and instead of moving away from Rodney, he was coming closer again. 

"Okay, okay, John," Rodney said soothingly, changing tactics. Maybe if he used the Colonel's given name, Rodney would be able to get through to him. "How about we go to the infirmary and let Carson have a look at you? I'm sure he'll be able to fix whatever's wrong with you. What do you say?" Rodney asked in his most patient voice. He didn't like the way John's gaze darkened and how John moved in on him even more. "John?" he asked, carefully. 

"You're mine," John said, sounding upset now. "I'm not sharing. Carson can't have you. You're mine. My mate." 

Okay that went well, Rodney thought, trying to not get hysteric as an almost dangerous gleam entered John's eyes. Rodney wasn't at all amused by John's possessive little display. 

"Um, alright," Rodney stammered, trying to think of something to say, something to do that would make John go to the infirmary with him. "You don't have to share me, promise. But I would want to be sure that you are healthy and you know, Carson could check me over as well. In fact, I'm feeling a bit dizzy. Don't you want for your ... mate to be healthy?" 

It was a risk to go that route, Rodney knew that, but he was improvising and couldn't come up with any other solution to his little problem. John was getting more agitated, possessive and aggressive by the minute. And even though Rodney trusted John implicitly, in John's current condition it was entirely possible that he'd turn violent. 

"Alright, we go. But Carson can't have you. You're mine. You're my mate and I need you to be healthy," John moved closer still, leaning forward and sniffing Rodney's neck again. "You smell so nice. And you're warm. Really warm. And you glow, Rodney. Did you know you're glowing? I feel so safe with you. Mine. My mate," John mumbled and Rodney held very still as to not startle him. 

"That's really nice, John. And we can have a little private time later, if you want. But we need to go to Carson first. I'm dizzy, remember?" Rodney's heart was beating wildly in his chest, and he just hoped John wouldn't pick up on his nervousness. 

"Yes. Carson first," John agreed and to Rodney's horror the next moment John pressed his face against the side of Rodney's neck and licked the skin closest to his lips. "You taste nice as well. Can't wait to taste all of you. Gonna taste you all over. Make you mine. My mate." John gave a little happy sigh that Rodney thought was outright creepy and when John pulled back some, Rodney could see a dreamy look on his face. A moment later, John grinned at Rodney dopily and snuggled closer against him once more. 

Rodney tried very hard not to flinch. John was scaring him. He really sounded and looked like he was totally out of it. And yet, Rodney's body reacted to John's closeness. It was just so unfair that the first time Rodney got to feel John's lips on his skin, it was while John was under some sort of alien influence. 

But that was how it always went. it was the story of Rodney's life. The ones Rodney was interested in never really liked him back – not as something more than friends anyway. And Rodney would be dammed if he let this go on, whatever John was doing. He wasn't going to take advantage of the fact that John wasn't himself and Rodney just hoped, John wouldn't remember anything of what was just happening here, later. 

Pushing John away from himself slowly and carefully, Rodney tried to bring a bit of distance between himself and John's tongue that was licking at his neck. "Infirmary, John," he reminded in the gentlest voice he could muster despite feeling completely terrified. "Come on, the sooner we get it over with, the sooner we can take this ... someplace nicer," Rodney said, feeling nauseated by the fact that he was betraying John's trust like that, was deceiving him in a way that could be called outright cruel. 

John beamed at him and simply said, "Okay!"

oooooOooooo

"What the hell was that all about?" Rodney snapped at Carson before throwing a nervous glance over to the infirmary bed where John lay in restraints, drugged up to his eyeballs, but still moving in a restless sleep. "He ... he leaned over me and sniffed me and then he was going all Neanderthal on me and began to lick me. He licked my neck, Carson. And he called me his mate. Repeatedly. What is wrong with him?"

Carson had only needed to take one look at John before he had him sedated and restrained, sending Rodney to wait outside until he had finished his tests on John. Rodney had waited anxiously in the small private room the nurse had sent him to, but Carson had called him back in before long.

Now Carson was rummaging around in one of the infirmary's cabinets, obviously searching for something while totally ignoring Rodney's outburst. Rodney had just about had enough. "Carson, I am talking to you. I want to know what is going on here. He was licking. My. Neck! What weird disease makes people lick other people's necks? And what if he passed it down to me? I could be starting to act strange and lick people's necks as well. Please tell me you know how to cure this."

"It's not a disease, Rodney," Carson replied in a patient tone and finally turned around to face Rodney. He had a vial in his hands and gestured for Rodney to follow him to John's bed. Rodney looked at him confusedly. 

"What do you mean, 'not a disease'?" Rodney asked, irritably. He wanted to know what the fuck was wrong with John. If it wasn't a disease, what was it that made John act like he was on some strange kind of drug?

"I mean, that Colonel Sheppard is not suffering from any disease. In fact, what he is going through is quite natural, for him," Carson said as he walked over to where John was now writhing on the bed as if caught in an especially gruesome dream. "Come over here, Rodney, I need to test a theory," he then demanded and Rodney didn't even think of not following what had clearly been an order. 

"You're making no sense, Carson," Rodney complained grumpily. Carson was really starting to annoy him – a lot. "What theory are you talking about? And what is this talk about 'natural for him'? As far as I know sniffing and licking your friends isn't natural behavior for anyone." Why the hell wouldn't Carson tell him anything? Did he have to be so cryptic? Rodney got more and more annoyed with Carson by the minute. He was about to dive into a lengthy rant about how he didn't appreciate to be kept in the dark, when Carson suddenly glared at him, making him reconsider. 

"Just do what you're being told Rodney," Carson said, sounding exasperated and the next second he grabbed Rodney's hand and placed it on John's naked forearm. "Here, touch him for a moment, I want to see if-" Carson broke off when John suddenly stilled completely, his breathing evened out and he seemed to slip into a more peaceful sleep. 

"It's working," Carson beamed at Rodney, who resisted the urge to just snag his had back and run away, away from the infirmary and John, and Carson's strange behavior. But his curiosity was piqued now and Rodney really wanted, no, needed to know what the hell was going on here. 

"What is working, Carson? Why is he reacting to me like that? And what is going on with him anyway? You said it's normal for him. But nothing about how he acted is normal. Why don't you tell me what the hell this is all about? I think I deserve to know why my best friend was reacting to me as if I am some sort of Popsicle he has to defend from the other kids." Rodney was about to lose his patience completely, but Carson didn't seem to be overly impressed by Rodney's antics. 

"Oh, it's quite clear what is happening, Rodney, if you know what to look for," Carson explained, emptying the contents of the vial he had fetched earlier into the IV dripping into John's arm. "I remembered having read about behavior such as John's back in my times as a student. When he called you his 'mate', I was fairly certain I knew what to test for. And I was right; John has creature blood. He's a veela. A male veela. And if I am not mistaken, you are his partner. His mate. It's rather fascinating to watch, actually. I'd never thought I'd ever get to see a male veela. They were thought to be extinct." Carson seemed to talk more to himself now than to Rodney, a wistful look on his face. 

Panic was blooming in Rodney's chest. Had everyone lost their minds now? "A male veela? Are you kidding me? Male veelas are practically a myth; their actual existence has never been proven by the scientific community. Veelas are female and blond and beautiful, they are not dark-haired Air Force Colonels with a knack for math and a bad taste in music. And oh, come to think of it, they actually did die out and are gone. You've got to have something wrong here, Carson," Rodney snapped, barely restraining himself not to outright yell at Carson and wake John in the process. 

"Oh but that's not quite right, Rodney," Carson said mildly, completely ignoring Rodney's ongoing agitation. "Reliable data shows that there have been male veela throughout all centuries. They were rare, that's true, seeing as they were something like 'Veela Royalty'. Only the fact that they were thought of as extinct before the discovery of the DNA test for creature blood is the reason why they are still labeled as 'existence not proven'. But John here just changed that."

The fond smile Carson gave John made Rodney want to strangle him. He had no business looking at John like that. John was no freak Carson could use to make himself a name in the scientific community. He was John, just John, not some freaky mythical creature. Wasn't he?

"He's not some kind of guinea pig," Rodney snapped, unaccountably disturbed by the way Carson brushed a damp strand of hair from John's forehead and then proceeded to wipe John's face with a cloth. "And don't touch him, dammit. You're not supposed to touch my-"  
Rodney broke off abruptly, heart racing as he realized what he had been about to say. Oh no. No, no, no. He had not picked up whatever creepy ... thing John had. No way. 

Carson raised his eyebrows, grinning at Rodney knowingly, before he patted Rodney's arm. "Your mate, you wanted to say, right? It's okay, Rodney. Don't worry. That's perfectly normal as well. John is at the beginning of his luring and mating cycle and you're reacting to a chemical that is distributed by skin contact. It just proves that you're his mate. Otherwise you wouldn't be affected at all." 

Horrified, Rodney snatched his hand back from where it had still been resting on John's forearm without Rodney really noticing. It had just felt so natural to be connected to John that way. But suddenly his skin seemed to burn where he had touched John. "What the hell did you do that for, Carson?" Rodney gasped, "Why did you let me touch him when you knew that I would get ... infected? Do you think I want to go crazy just as John did? God knows what will happen once he is awake again. How could you endanger my health like that? You don't even know if he really is a male veela, like you insist he must be. What if you're wrong? Oh god, you've allowed me get infected with some sort of weird alien virus, I just know it." Rodney gasped. His hands were sweaty now, his heart still racing like a jackhammer and he felt a little dizzy. 

"Rodney, lad," Carson said, sounding exasperated now, "I made no mistake. He is a male veela. I did the DNA check, the special one that tests for all creature markers. You know, if the last remaining lycanthropes hadn't pushed to get that anti creature-discrimination law in effect that forbids the regular testing for those markers, we'd found out what John is way earlier. And just so you know, it's considered a great honor to be the mate of a veela." Carson lectured, and Rodney wondered if he could maybe sneak out when Carson wasn't looking. Make a run for it, hide in his quarters until John was cured and the effect of that weird drug John was producing had worn off. 

But first of all, Rodney needed to set some things straight. Namely, he would not let himself get pressured, nor would he let John be influenced in any way, to pursue a relationship that neither of them really wanted. Just because some damn ... virus, or whatever it was, dictated it. John was so out of it, he didn't know, hadn't known what he was doing. The fallout from this would be too great. 

Even if Rodney had sometimes, in the safety of his own room tried to imagine what it would be like to be with John that way, Rodney would never want for it to happen under these conditions. He'd rather keep John's camaraderie, his friendship, his respect, than using him for a short lived romp between the sheets John didn't actually want. He was sick after all. 

"I'm not his mate. He is not gay and I'm not going to allow you to let him do something he will regret when he is not being driven by his ... hormones ... or whatever it is, any more. He'll hate himself when he's back to normal. And I don't care if anyone thinks it's an honor to be the mate of a veela, I just want for John to get better. I'm not his ... anything. Well, that's not true. I'm his friend and that is why I will look out for his best interests, since you, as his friend and his doctor, are not doing it. Shouldn't it be your job to protect him? Even from himself? What happens if it gets around that John has been with me in a ... sexual way? He could get court-martialed if that comes out. Are you trying to ruin his life by letting his creature side get the best of him? Isn't there anything you can do? Give him something so it goes away? Since he clearly isn't in his right mind." Rodney was desperate for Carson to understand that this whole mate thing just wasn't a viable option.

But Carson didn't react the way Rodney had hoped he would. In fact he reacted completely opposite. Carson took hold of Rodney's arm and led him over to the bed next to John's, gesturing for him to sit down. There was something in his gaze Rodney couldn't quite decipher, but as Rodney looked, Carson's features softened and he smiled at Rodney good-naturedly.

"Rodney, there is nothing you have to worry about. I already told Colonel Carter about the change in John's status. As a veela, his relationship with his mate is outside all regulations. In fact, I believe Colonel Carter has already arranged for a room where you and John can be undisturbed for mating. He's not going to get any better until he's completed his mating cycle – with you. It's what comes naturally to him, now. And you don't have to worry about taking advantage, or him taking advantage of you," Carson's grin turned slightly teasing. "There has to be mutual attraction before the luring and mating cycle starts. Otherwise the potential mate is completely unresponsive to the lure and therefore not compatible for mating. Rodney, don't you see it? John is as much in love with you as you are in love with him. He's just hidden it. And for good reasons, as you pointed out, earlier. Now, be a good lad and calm down. You're just going to upset John with your behavior. Lie down, have a nap, and once John is awake again, the two of you can go and have your honeymoon."

"Honeymoon?" Rodney squeaked, not caring how he sounded. "How can you say such a thing? I'm not ... I don't ... I've never been-" Rodney broke off, the heat in his cheeks telling him that he must have blushed like mad, once more. 

"Never been in a relationship with a man, I know that, Rodney. But not for lack of trying. So it's not as if this is a hardship for you. I told you it doesn't work that way. And look at it like this: once the two of you are mated, John won't go around attracting others any more. Because that's actually what was happening – his lure was slowly becoming stronger as John was coming into his heritage. We've all been very lucky none of the people who reacted to his lure were his mate. The poor lad never really saw it coming. It's not been a conscious thing to do for him. So please don't blame him. He'll be all yours in just a few short hours," Carson said with an indulgent smile and Rodney blinked at him confusedly. 

"I don't understand? How is that supposed to reassure me? Yes he's been territorial and outright jealous, but won't that change once he's ... satisfied the needs of his creature side? Once he's ... completed his cycle, or whatever you called it? He'll be completely horrified and never talk to me again. I just know it. I've never had any luck when it came to relationships," Rodney admitted, miserable. It was true, no-one stayed long with him, no matter how hard he tried to make the relationship work. Somehow he always managed to mess things up. "He'll move on, and I'll be left with nothing but a broken heart and the memories of what I can't have." Rodney hated how his voice broke on the last words, making one last attempt to save himself pain. His words had barely been above a whisper but Carson had heard them anyway, and suddenly Rodney felt humiliated and ashamed at having lost control like that.

"Och, Rodney," Carson sighed and there was compassion in his voice and Rodney hated him for it. He didn't need pity. Not from anyone, not even Carson. "John won't move on. Veelas are monogamous. They mate for life. Don't you know how special it is to gain a veela's love? It's not just about the lure – a pretty face and a charming smile can go a long way – but about finding the one person that fits. And John has found that person in you. Now, if you don't want to have a nap, maybe you should go and sit with your mate, he'll feel less threatened if you're beside him when he wakes," Carson patted Rodney's shoulder and smiled at him, a happy smile this time and something in Rodney unknotted. Then Carson left them alone, left Rodney alone with his thoughts. 

Veelas mated for life. Carson pretty much had promised him John at his side for the rest of his life. And wasn't that an awesome thought? No-one had ever promised him anything for life. Not that Rodney would have believed them if they did. But this? Rodney decided to dare believe that he'd be lucky just this once. 

Grinning happily, Rodney slid from the bed and pulled one of the visitor's chairs closer to John's bed. Then he sat down and slipped his own hand in John's restrained one. He'd have to ask Carson about freeing John from those cuffs as soon as possible. But for now, Rodney was content to sit there and watch John sleep. He had a feeling that this time, all would turn out for the best.


End file.
